on being a whatever I am

fyeahdomswithlowselfesteem:

(this is like a year and a half old and I feel like it’s from a thousand years ago, but anyway)

with basically no experience, but I’ve sort of known what My Stuff is since I was at least 14/15—really, much earlier than that—and I’ve been getting a better understanding of what my place in it is over the past year. and have been having conversations with similarly inclined friends, which isn’t the same as actual experience, but has sort of meant that I’ve developed an idea of what it’s actually going to mean and how it’s going to work, when/if I do become active.

I’m a sadist, and I guess a top. I think? I just went on wikipedia and it said that if you’re focused on how the other person is feeling, you’re a “service top” and you’re not a real Dom according to the BDSM community? Wow, the BDSM community sound like douchebags then. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding what “service top” means. I mean, if the other person’s reactions don’t matter to you, you could just dom one of your stuffed animals or something.

I thought I was a submissive for a really long time (in my defense, my fantasies tend to be same-sex, so I didn’t really have to pick a person to be—although I occasionally fantasized about female dom/male submissive so I’m not sure why I didn’t pick up on it then). I guess it’s only in the past year that I’ve realized I’m not.

I’m not saying there’s nothing like that in me and I wouldn’t enjoy being submissive at all, but being dominant feels much more natural, at this point. It’s become really appealing. And I think part of that is issues with being queer, and having autism, two things which have led me to see my desire for other people as being something that poisons them and will horrify them. Which has led to me going through life being very afraid to physically touch people, initiate any kind of contact, kiss anyone, express interest in anyone, and so on.

My interest in humiliation, distress, and power is something that I’ve had since I was a little kid, but the fact that I seem to have come down on this particular side is anything but an accident of nature. I think that with some people who have more intense interests, I could probably end up being vicious, end up being really thrilled not to have to be terrified of hurting or upsetting someone anymore, and able to just completely be heartless and enjoy someone’s reaction the way you might enjoy doing a science experiment.

I also feel, though, that being in that kind of role in a more low-key/affectionate situation is pretty amazing. The idea of being able to ask someone to do things and show authority over someone else, and have them actually be okay with it, and even be really happy about it, is just…a complete joy, and a feeling of warmth like nothing I’ve experienced. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m finally being a bad person, in fact it’s the time when I feel most like a good person because all my guilt about possible trespasses has cooled down a little, and allowed me to just feel extremely tender.

[trigger warning: discussion of sexual abuse]

Anonymous submission

This is my journey of self realization, realizations i’ve had recently about past events. it is poorly organized, but I hope it gets the points across.

When I was younger I was diagnosed with NVLD and this was fine. Lately, after extensive research, self-reflection, and talking to “professionals,” I’ve been finding that more and more labels are applicable to me. I’ve become more involved with disability rights stuff (nothing for us without us type stuff) recently, and I’m realizing more and more that my diagnosis was either wrong or should be changed to autism because it is essentially the same thing. My only difference from autistic experience that I’ve read about is that most people now enjoy being around me. But I’ve realized, I’m really fucking autistic.

I think this lack of self knowledge is why I’ve yet to have “sex” and why the activity that I’ve been involved with previously happened without my informed consent in the context of a relationship I was abused in.  This was my first relationship and she was the first person who ever told me, “this is how relationships work,” and I accepted it as true. She was lying and taking advantage of me, or alternatively the same thing happened to her and she was even less self aware after that relationship than I was after our relationship.  I thought I loved her, she told me that I did anyway. I now can’t talk to people I’m attracted to or their friends about my attraction because I worry I’d abuse them or they’d abuse me, and I honestly don’t know which I’d think was worse.


How do I move on? It has been almost 5 years. I want/need to be with someone at least sensually. I’d like to also be romantically involved, but thinking about it causes me quite a bit of pain.

I also hate that I’m autistic, I don’t want a cure, I just want to be how I thought I was. I also don’t know if I should continue passing or just be more of who I’m realizing I am.

soilrockslove:

littlemissmutant:

wagnetic:

roxannewright:

A lot people tell me that talking about sex with your partner, laying out boundaries beforehand AND during, communicating and adjusting during, renegotiating boundaries during and after is awkward and “kills the mood.” Now frankly I don’t understand that, communication is awesome and usually makes the whole thing go smoother because I don’t have to worry about doing it right/the way they like it, but maybe it’s just that I’m an extremely verbal person and also tend to be very focused on my partner’s pleasure.
But for those of you who do think talking about the details of sex with your partner can be awkward, here are some useful phrases and ways to open the conversation.

Communication is sexy.

Some relevant questions for autistic/bad brains folks:“Might you become nonverbal during sex?”“Do you enjoy light touch, deep pressure, or both?”“Can we negotiate in sign language?”“I need my AAC device on the bedside table while we’re fucking.”“If you want to stop, what mode of communication will you use to let me know? Will you be able to initiate communication to tell me to stop, or should I check in at regular intervals? How often should I check in?”“Can I see a social story for this?”

All good questions!
Also:
“Are there any nonverbal signals I should look for to stop right away?”
“to slow down/back off?”
“that something is really really good?”
“Any sensory sensitivities or triggers?”
“Anything you really like?”

soilrockslove:

littlemissmutant:

wagnetic:

roxannewright:

A lot people tell me that talking about sex with your partner, laying out boundaries beforehand AND during, communicating and adjusting during, renegotiating boundaries during and after is awkward and “kills the mood.” Now frankly I don’t understand that, communication is awesome and usually makes the whole thing go smoother because I don’t have to worry about doing it right/the way they like it, but maybe it’s just that I’m an extremely verbal person and also tend to be very focused on my partner’s pleasure.

But for those of you who do think talking about the details of sex with your partner can be awkward, here are some useful phrases and ways to open the conversation.

Communication is sexy.

Some relevant questions for autistic/bad brains folks:

“Might you become nonverbal during sex?”
“Do you enjoy light touch, deep pressure, or both?”
“Can we negotiate in sign language?”
“I need my AAC device on the bedside table while we’re fucking.”
“If you want to stop, what mode of communication will you use to let me know? Will you be able to initiate communication to tell me to stop, or should I check in at regular intervals? How often should I check in?”
“Can I see a social story for this?”

All good questions!

Also:

“Are there any nonverbal signals I should look for to stop right away?”

“to slow down/back off?”

“that something is really really good?”

“Any sensory sensitivities or triggers?”

“Anything you really like?”

theanimalnamesofplants:

i really, really wish there was some kind of formalized courtship process that could let people explicitly know what the fuck is going on at different stages. calling cards, one set for non-sexual requests for engagement and company, one set for sexual but non-amorous approaches, and another that indicates amorous intent. i like passionate sudden approaches because it gives me a better idea of what is possible and where i stand with someone than slow-drip dating nonsense.

i really, really can’t express to you what an incredible privilege it is to be able to have shit just flow along; if you do, you are either NT and/or have an incredible amount of beauty privilege.  and hey, i love beautiful people! i think i am beautiful! i just have no idea what is going on, and am this black queer womyn which is to literally be a non-sexual object (or completely sexualized and non-amorous object). i almost started crying reading one of those ridiculous ‘love’ questionnaires on here because no, i have never had anyone say they don’t ever want me to be out of their life.or any of that amazing beautiful shit that people say to each other when they care for one another and want to take care of each other. or if they have, it is usually after they have abused me and want to regain control somehow. i have no idea what it feels like to be involved with a loving person who is fully accountable for their behavior and supportive of me. when people are together in this way near me, i almost feel as if i am forbidden to look at them, almost forbidden to be in the same social spaces, because that kind of connection isn’t allowed for someone like me and that idea makes me so angry that i just have to try and wish them joy i don’t feel, and this isn’t jealousy. it is shame, it is anger and pain and loneliness.

i have no idea what that looks like.and i don’t want anything else right now(what am i saying i want and i want everything i want but i don’t know if i can stand to just never be satisfied, i am almost afraid to be attracted to people at this point, i almost just want to criticize them into unattractive bits, cut them up and throw them into the nile, get them away from my heart),am so sick of this longing.

Inner conflict

Anonymous submission by Morgan

Fisrtly, this tumblr is great! I really think the checklist is a brilliant idea as it opens up all sorts of communication about consent and boundaries when other material assumes a ‘one size fits all’ approach in these matters, so that’s great. :)

My own dilemma is as follows: I am a trans* person who is aro/ace. I am non binary in that my gender is sort of mixed/other gender most of the time with a little fluctuation and I think I would like to present as female in the future (both femme and butch) as, most significantly, socialising as male doesn’t feel right to me. I want to present as female as I feel most comfortable with that but therein lies the problem.

I think of myself of a woman, of sorts. The thing is, that thinking of myself as female makes me feel much better and much more centred in myself which is good, but it gives more more inner confidence, which I’m not sure about. I think the fact is that, as I have always had low self esteem, the idea of being in a position where I feel fully natural and comfortable is, sadly, somewhat unnerving.

This is all compounded by the fact that I have Dyspraxia and am also very analytical even with regard to personal experience. These things combine to mean that the idea of my changing as a person in any way that I consider fundamental to myself is quite disturbing as it involves all sorts of feelings, which while I am not incapable of feeling and empathizing with others, I prefer to avoid in myself as they seem rather messy a lot of the time.

I think perhaps this was more of an opportunity to vent, more than anything, but if anyone could offer some reassurances, perhaps if they have been in similar situations. I think I would be grateful. :)

[Morgan also sent a follow up message saying:] I should point out that in the submission I made, I probably should have explained that, of course, the idea of being more confident also ties into my feelings about my asexuality, that’s why it’s relevant to this tumblr. :)

Circumstance Boundaries: Sexual Inventory Checklist

(by Devyn)

This post is Part 1 of an on-going project called “Sexual Inventory Checklists for Neurodivergent People,” a supplement Scarleteen's “Sexual Inventory Stocklist.” These checklists are designed to start discussion about sexual situations unique to neurodivergent people and our partners. Feel free to add or remove questions!

[Code guide: Y = Yes, that’s fine; N = No, that’s not okay; M = Maybe, D = It Depends, N/a = this doesn’t apply to me]

Propositioning me for sex/sexual activity when I’m in these states:

Because there are some circumstances where the answer will always be no, because it’s hard to communicate a clear yes or no under those circumstances, because being propositioned during those times is triggering, etc.

__while I’m suicidal (if you want, specify the degree. For example: “while actively suicidal” or “while suicudal to the point where I start to formulate a plan.”) 

__while I’m nonverbal

__during a state of “intense, episodic dysphoria” (ie. a BPD-meltdown)

__while I’m dissociating

__if I’m afraid about our relationship ending

__after an argument

__during a panic attack

__shortly after a panic attack

__during a flashback

__shortly after a flashback

__If I’m experiencing unpleasant sensory over-load

__While I’m preoccupied by dysmorphic thoughts about my body

__If we haven’t talked about our relationship and what having sex might change (or not change)

__If I’m feeling exceptionally lethargic or low-energy

__If, in the same sitting, you have already asked and I’ve already said “no.” 

__If I’m experiencing psychosis

__If I need to decide right away.

__While I’m manic

__While I’m hypomanic

Other:

__

__

Under some circumstances, it’s okay to proposition me for sexual activity, but only if we communicate about it in these ways: (for example, sign-language, explicit verbal communication, etc)

__

Under some circumstances, I would be open to sexual activity, but only with these boundaries or assurances:

__

If I am in a state where I can’t meaningfully consent or where it would be inappropriate for you proposition me, here are some ways that you’ll know:

__

Final note about good consent: For some people, these states can make communication difficult, or make it out-right impossible to consent. Communication and boundaries-setting are important, but it is never your job to make sure that someone doesn’t sexually assault you. Ever.

Additionally, initiating sex with someone during some of the situations above (“during a panic attack,” for example) is considered to be abusive unless you two have a prior, fully-consensual understanding. In fact, some perpetrators have actually tried to induce some of those states before sex as an act of violence against their partner. For example, some abusers start fights and then deliberately initiate sex while their partner is still feeling upset and insecure. No amount of good communication will fix this problem by itself, but hopefully these checklists will be useful in identifying the ways that perpetrators might take advantage of their partner’s neurodivergences.

The bottom line is that if you were sexually assaulted during one of the circumstances discussed above, it is NOT your fault for “not communicating” about your feelings or lack of consent. It’s your assailant’s fault for assaulting you.

[last updated: 2/19/2012 at 11:10]

Being called “unable” to say “yes” means not being allowed to say “no.”

fugue-stasis:

[Content: rape culture, sexual violence against autistic people] 

neurodivergentsexuality:

by Devyn

An autistic woman and sexual abuse survivor was just declared to be “incapable of consent” in the UK. Let me repeat that: someone who has experienced and survived genuine sexual assault was just banned, against her wishes, from having consensual sex. 

And I feel like, this duality—forced “sexlessness” paired with forced sex—is so fundamental to the ways that developmentally disabled people are oppressed. Because statements about how intellectually disabled, autistic, or otherwise neurodivergent people “cannot consent” are definitely not actual evaluations of an individual’s abilities: they’re just a decision about our rights. When someone says that neurodivergent people “can’t” make the call about our own sexualities—what happens to our bodies, who we’re intimate with, and what forms that intimacy takes—they are really just saying that we shouldn’t be allowed to. This case was never a debate about whether or not H, the woman in question, “should” be having sex or what kind of support she should be getting or how that sex should be negotiated, it was just confirmation that—above all else—the decisions about her sexuality should always be made by people other than herself.

I’m having a really hard time being coherent about this. I bolded the only part that’s really coming together for me.

The article I link to doesn’t quote H once, BTW, but it does mention in passing that she seems to be under full-time care by professionals in order to ensure that she doesn’t go out and get laid.

Meanwhile, not mentioned: 44 percent of all sexual violence against people with intellectual abilities is perpetrated by those professionals (personal care attendants, transporation providers, etc). This is what we’re up against. This woman is being put IN DANGER OF RAPE for fear that she might exercise her fucking sexual autonomy.

Since some people were asking in the reblogs: because H was determined to be incapable of consent, she is in “1:1 supervision,” meaning that she has to have a staff person (like a personal care attendant) with her at all times. According to the source: “H [is] not free to leave her accommodation on any other basis, even to attend her part-time employment.” Until she is deemed “capable of consent,” it seems likely that this will continue to be her situation. That’s right, as a protection against sex, she is being kept in close proximity to the people statistically most likely to sexually assault her.

And to answer one person’s question: yes, it technically follows that any sex H has ever had—including sex she initiated, wanted very much, understood, and enjoyed—would be considered rape. HOWEVER, this ruling has not inspired the courts to bring H’s “rapists” to justice. Instead, they’re just going to control the potential victim. Nice. NICE.

-Devyn

Being called “unable” to say “yes” means not being allowed to say “no.”

by Devyn

An autistic woman and sexual abuse survivor was just declared to be “incapable of consent” in the UK. Let me repeat that: someone who has experienced and survived genuine sexual assault was just banned, against her wishes, from having consensual sex. 

And I feel like, this duality—forced “sexlessness” paired with forced sex—is so fundamental to the ways that developmentally disabled people are oppressed. Because statements about how intellectually disabled, autistic, or otherwise neurodivergent people “cannot consent” are definitely not actual evaluations of an individual’s abilities: they’re just a decision about our rights. When someone says that neurodivergent people “can’t” make the call about our own sexualities—what happens to our bodies, who we’re intimate with, and what forms that intimacy takes—they are really just saying that we shouldn’t be allowed to. This case was never a debate about whether or not H, the woman in question, “should” be having sex or what kind of support she should be getting or how that sex should be negotiated, it was just confirmation that—above all else—the decisions about her sexuality should always be made by people other than herself.

Anonymous said: This blog has the potential to be absolutely fascinating. I am very exited that this exists, and eagerly await your appearance on my dash. Thank you.

Thanks so much, Anon :)

Also: this seems like a good time for me to apologize for the lack of activity around these parts. I’m working on the sexual inventory checklist for neurodivergent people and our partners, and the other mods have some other really cool projects kicking around, but time is TIGHT and we all have other obligations/issues, as well. Hopefully you all should be seeing something substantial from us in the next few days.

In the meantime, we’re definitely accepting submissions. We want to hear thoughts, experiences, theories, advice, or really anything from our mentally ill and/or developmentally disabled followers about sex, sexuality, or consent!

-Devyn

[content note: some discussion of self-harm]

I think anyone who knows me will know who this is but just humor me, please.

Sometimes I feel sad because when I see people talking about disability/illness with bdsm it seems like it’s almost always from a submissive perspective or from the perspective of someone who dominates someone with a disability. Also I even feel like the longing to be dominated is allowed to be a little intense and depressing but I feel like I’ve hardly ever run into tops expressing a really pathetic and desperate  need to be on top.

I have that. I don’t know.

I’m not a nice person I guess. But I can be tender to other people in a way I can’t be to myself. The way I hurt myself is like a dog shaking a little animal to break its neck. I can hurt myself at this fevered pitch with whatever’s around. I can saw at myself. It looks gross. I end up hating myself for not being able to take more pain than I can.

I’m not sure when it hit me, but I was idly thinking of objects I could use to hurt someone, and I realized I would never use some of the things on someone else that I’ve used on myself. And I could never hate someone else for wanting me to stop the way I hate myself for wanting to stop.

It’s kind of like, when you have a really fucked up little kid, you give them a goldfish to help them learn responsibility. Because you can’t go crazy when there’s something that needs you. It ends up being worth it, keeping yourself together, knowing that you haven’t let them down. I want someone to give herself to me and I want to wake up every day ready to make myself the person who deserves that kind of power and trust. I want to be able to spend some of my scared and sad times thinking about how to look after someone else, instead of how I can’t look after myself.

I need someone’s trust really badly. Sometimes it makes me cry, more often it makes me scratch myself up in the reckless way.