Neurodivergent Sexuality

Feb. 18, 2012 at 4:33pm with 115 notes View comments

Circumstance Boundaries: Sexual Inventory Checklist

This post is Part 1 of an on-goingprojectcalled “Sexual Inventory Checklists for Neurodivergent People,” a supplement Scarleteen’s “Sexual Inventory Stocklist.” These checklists are designed to start discussion about sexual situations unique to neurodivergent people and our partners. Feel free to add or remove questions!

[Code guide: Y = Yes, that’s fine; N = No, that’s not okay; M = Maybe, D = It Depends, N/a = this doesn’t apply to me]

Propositioning me for sex/sexual activity when I’m in these states:

Because there are some circumstances where the answer will always be no, because it’s hard to communicate a clear yes or no under those circumstances, because being propositioned during those times is triggering, etc.

__while I’m suicidal (if you want, specify the degree. For example: “while actively suicidal” or “while suicudal to the point where I start to formulate a plan.”)

__while I’m nonverbal

__during a state of “intense, episodic dysphoria” (ie. a BPD-meltdown)

__while I’m dissociating

__if I’m afraid about our relationship ending

__after an argument

__during a panic attack

__shortly after a panic attack

__during a flashback

__shortly after a flashback

__If I’m experiencing unpleasant sensory over-load

__While I’m preoccupied by dysmorphic thoughts about my body

__If we haven’t talked about our relationship and what having sex might change (or not change)

__If I’m feeling exceptionally lethargic or low-energy

__If, in the same sitting, you have already asked and I’ve already said “no.”

__If I’m experiencing psychosis

__If I need to decide right away.

__While I’m manic

__While I’m hypomanic

Other:

Under some circumstances, it’s okay to proposition me for sexual activity, but only if we communicate about it in these ways: (for example, sign-language, explicit verbal communication, etc)

Under some circumstances, I would be open to sexual activity, but only with these boundaries or assurances:

If I am in a state where I can’t meaningfully consent or where it would be inappropriate for you proposition me, here are some ways that you’ll know:

Final note about good consent: For some people, these states can make communication difficult, or make it out-right impossible to consent. Communication and boundaries-setting are important, but it is never your job to make sure that someone doesn’t sexually assault you. Ever.

Additionally, initiating sex with someone during some of the situations above (“during a panic attack,” for example) is considered to be abusive unless you two have a prior, fully-consensual understanding. In fact, some perpetrators have actually tried to induce some of those states before sex as an act of violence against their partner. For example, some abusers start fights and then deliberately initiate sex while their partner is still feeling upset and insecure. No amount of good communication will fix this problem by itself, but hopefully these checklists will be useful in identifying the ways that perpetrators might take advantage of their partner’s neurodivergences.

The bottom line is that if you were sexually assaulted during one of the circumstances discussed above, it is NOT your fault for “not communicating” about your feelings or lack of consent. It’s your assailant’s fault for assaulting you.

[last updated: 2/19/2012 at 11:10]